Funny Bar Jokes

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here”

A time traveler walks into a bar
Two guys walk into a bar...

the third guy ducks
A man walks into a bar

He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender:

"Can I get a ...... Martini?"

The bartender replies: "Why the big paws?"
The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar

It was tense
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:

"A beer please, and one for the road"
Helen Keller walks into a bar...

then a chair, then the wall
A horse walks into a bar

Several patrons got up and left as they recognized the potential danger in the situation
A guy walks into a bar

stop me if you've heard this one
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?

The space bar!
2 guys are sitting in a bar, one says:

"What a bummer, every time I meet a pretty girl it's the same thing"

"Either she's married, or I am"
If you have 100 chocolate bars, and eat 87, what do you get

An amnesiac walks into a bar

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, "So, do I come here often?"
A sandwich walks into a bar

The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve food here"
When a Priest, a Rabbi, and a monk walked into bar, the bartender asked, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"
An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID.

"You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old."

The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license.

The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change.

"The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup.

"Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!
A guy walks into a bar

and breaks his nose
You're like a candy bar

half sweet and half nuts
So Donald Trump walks into a bar

and lowers it
A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds

Whoops, sorry "bear"
Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?

They can never get past the bar
A man with authority walks into a bar

Orders everyone a round
Two over achievers walk into a bar

Clearly it wasn't set high enough
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