Funny Death Jokes

A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish

It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish
Death once had a near Chuck Experience
Why is there a gate around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in!
Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next"

So i started doing the same thing to them at funerals
The man who created autocorrect passed away

Restaurant in peace
How did the Italian cook die?

He pastaway
Got a birthday card from the funeral home

I'm not impressed

They only want me for my body
I’ve used up all my sick days

so I’m calling in dead
What was written on the dentist’s grave?

He’s filling his last cavity
Here, I bought you a calendar...

Your days are numbered now
Happy New Years! One year closer to death!
Chuck Norris died but he's alright now
"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing... unless you are at a funeral
I'm afraid for the calendar

Its days are numbered
When Hugh Hefner dies, no one will say "He's in a better place now"
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age...

but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point
Why can’t someone living in Chicago be buried in Florida?

Because they're still living!
The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking and number two is death

This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
A man drowned and all his friends showed up at his funeral with life jackets on...

Because that's what he would have wanted
We are all part of the ultimate statistic

ten out of ten die
I saw an ad for burial plots...

and thought to myself, that's the last thing I need
Interviewer: "Why do you want this job?"

Me: "I've just always been very passionate about not starving to death"
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and shout

"You did this!"
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