Funny Family Jokes

What's the difference between an arts degree and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of 4
This is the fifth year in a row that my in-laws have come over for Christmas

Maybe we should let them in this time
Son: "Am I adopted?"

Dad: "Not yet, it seems nobody is interested"
A man walks into a bar

He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family
Mom, what's it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?

I don't know dear... you'll have to ask grandma
Wifi went down for five minutes, so i had to talk to my family

They seem like nice people
You might be a redneck

If you go to family reunions to find a date
I shook my family tree and a bunch of nuts fell out
My little brother is adopted. Mom said not to mention it until he's older
I'm so sorry I heard your family got a cat
Did you get your looks from your mother or your father?

From my father, but mostly just the look of disappointment
I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow.

Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works. I already have three people following me...

Two police officers and a psychiatrist
I Child-Proofed My House But They Still Get In
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it
Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner

We actually talked to each other

It was awful
My wife says she is no longer buying junk food for the family because

"Everyone just eats it"
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted
1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them
I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold...

and eaten
Please go play with your brother

That's basically the reason we had him
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk

Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up
How my kids enter my room at 6am every morning
Remember sweetheart mommy loves you, but she doesn't have to like you
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running
They say blood is thicker than water

So what? So is toothpaste
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