Funny Life Jokes

You're pretty dumb


Why are you thanking me? I just insulted you

All I heard was "you're pretty" I'm focusing on the positives in my life
There are two key rules in life

1. Never give away all of the information
You have 10 fish, 5 drown and 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have?

Stop counting... fish can't drown
Dogs > Kids

Because i'd rather have a ruined carpet than a ruined life
Today is the first day of the rest of your life

but so was yesterday, and look how you messed that up
Married life

Any guess which one's the wife?
I'm naturally funny...

because my life is a joke
I used to have a handle on life

but it broke
Knock Knock

Who's there?

The love of your life!

Liar, chocolate can't speak.
Temptation. Do you really want to spend your life wondering
I have no life and I can prove it mathematically
While learning CPR Chuck Norris brought the dummy to life
You might love your life, but I think it just wants to be friends
Every decision  I have ever made in my entire life, has been wrong
And the Lord said to John

"Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

But John came fifth, and won a toaster
Everything happens for a reason

sometimes the reason is that you are stupid and make bad decisions
Don't take life so seriously. It's not like you're going to get out alive
My life is a romantic comedy. Except there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes
When life gives you lemons throw it back and ask for chocolate
Hackers in movies. Hackers in real life.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized
You know you’re texting too much when…

…you say LOL in real life, instead of just laughing
Life is hard. It's harder if your stupid
Life is basically all the stuff you have to do to get from coffee to wine time
Life is short, eat dessert first
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