Funny Mean Jokes

Honey, you really don’t have to do the dishes on your birthday

Do them tomorrow
This is the fifth year in a row that my in-laws have come over for Christmas

Maybe we should let them in this time
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player?

Because "love" means nothing to them
Happy birthday

In dog years, you’re dead.
I told my dad that he should embrace his mistakes

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and my sister
You're not becoming older and wiser

You're becoming older and wider!
I just wanted you to know that somebody out there cares

Not me, but somebody does
Laugh at your problems...

everybody else does
My friends tell me I'm too condescending

That means I talk down to people
Roses are red, violets are blue

Faces like yours, belong in the zoo

Don't be mad, i'll be there too

Not in the cage, but laughing at you
Yo mama is so ugly that...

well look at you
Keep on talking...

I'm sure you’ll say something intelligent one day
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying...

Toys not included
Knock Knock
Who's there?
I'm a pile up
I'm a pile up who?

Yes you are
What does "IDK" means?

I don't know

OMG  no one knows!
What rhymes with "boo" and really stinks?

What does it mean when a man is laying in bed calling a woman's name and gasping for breath?

She's hasn't held the pillow down long enough
I may not be perfect

but at least I'm not you
Girl: "How much do you love me?"

Boy: "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."

Girl: "But it’s morning, there are no stars?"

Boy: "Exactly"
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a 'mean' thing to say!
"Wow you look great! Did you lose weight?"

"Hey! – does that mean you thought I was ugly and fat before!"
Do you know the joke where the idiot says no?

Happy New Years! One year closer to death!
I texted my wife today saying "I love u"

She replied, "Oh, really? :)"

"Yes", i said, "it's my favorite vowel"
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