Funny Money Jokes

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor
Research shows that 4 out of 5 people can expect money in their birthday cards

Happy Birthday, number 5!
If money is the root of all evil...

why do they ask for it at church?
Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?

Because they are always a little short
Always borrow money from a pessimist...

they don't expect it back
If I had a dollar for every time I needed a dollar...

I wouldn't need a dollar
They say money talks...

but all mine ever says is "Goodbye"
What did the dog say when he lost all his money?

I'm paw!
How do you hide money from a hippie?

Put it under the soap
I am having an out of money experience
I bought a ceiling fan the other day

Complete waste of money

He just stands there applauding and saying "Ooh, I love how smooth it is"
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of credit card repayments
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

He wanted some cold hard cash
"Have you seen a cop nearby?" asked a passerby


"Then give me your watch, your ring and your money!"
Why should you go into the pizza business?

To make lots of dough
What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?

"Do you see any change in me?"
Last Valentine's Day my fiancee of four years bought me a lottery ticket and I won $5 million

I wonder what's she doing nowadays?
A bank is a place that will lend you money...

if you can prove that you don’t need it
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Tell me what you need...

and I’ll tell you how to get along without it, since you've got no money
Don't worry if you're ugly she'll see you for your beautiful heart.

You just need to be a millionaire and have a palace
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches
Money isn't everything

but it sure helps you keep in contact with your children!
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just nuts
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with
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