Funny Old People Jokes

Old people shouldn't eat health foods

They need all the preservatives they can get!
Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next"

So i started doing the same thing to them at funerals
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Eye matey!
At our age, swimming is dangerous...

lifeguards don't try as hard
You know you're old when

they've discontinued your blood type
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs
1st old man: "Windy, isn’t it?"

2nd old man "No, it’s Thursday!"

3rd old man "So am I. Let’s go get a beer"
When my granddad was 65 he started running a mile a day to keep fit

He's 70 now and we have no idea where he is
We will always be best friends until we are old and senile. then we can be new friends
Young at heart. Slightly older in other places
An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID.

"You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old."

The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license.

The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change.

"The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup.

"Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
"Everything's starting to click for me!" said my father at dinner

"My knees, my elbows, my neck… "
I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman"

Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"
The older I get

the earlier it gets late
You're old enough to remember when emojis were called "hieroglyphics"
They tell you that you'll lose your mind when you grow older

What they don't tell you is that you won't miss it very much
How do you know your old?

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You're not old until a teenager describes you as middle aged
I'm at the age where I can't keep up with all the things I hate
You are so old

when you were a kid rainbows were black and white
Another World's Oldest Man has died

This is beginning to look suspicious
When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better

Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young
I would ask you how old you are...

but I know you can't count that high!
I like you

You remind me of when I was young and stupid
I have an 8:30 dinner reservation tonight

That's like midnight in middle-age time
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