Funny Today Jokes

I weighed myself today

It's clear that I am too small for my weight
Today has been

Today I saw a baby with a shirt that said

"I'm what happened in Vegas"
Today is the first day of the rest of your life

but so was yesterday, and look how you messed that up
That's enough todaying for today

I'm done
"What did you do at school today son?"

"I don’t really want to talk about it mom. You’ll see it later on the news anyway"
"I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go… "

"Just call in sick then"
Moms be like

"You go something in the mail today"
I gave all my dead batteries away today

free of charge
Husband: Wow darling, you look great today. Did you do something to your hair?

Wife: I’m over here!!!
Hey, welcome home.. so my bed blew up today. I know, weird right?
I've just signed up for an online dating site

Do you think it's rude to ask people to send a picture holding today's newspaper?
I texted my wife today saying "I love u"

She replied, "Oh, really? :)"

"Yes", i said, "it's my favorite vowel"
I plugged a USB in on the first try. There's nothing stopping me today.
I'm not feeling very worky today
"I really regret eating healthy today" - said no one ever
Today was going great until, people
Today the dog. Tomorrow the world
I always wanted to be just like my mother

Today I'm working on dramatically clutching my throat when I'm told the price of anything
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
Working at a Hospital is the worst, cause you can't call in sick

You: "Yeah, I can't come in today, I'm sick"

Boss: "Come on in, we'll check you out"
Do it tomorrow

You have made enough mistakes for today
So when do we get to meet the guy? Let's see, today's Monday... Never
Darling, how should I dress today?

I applied for a job today and they ask for three references

I wrote, "a dictionary, a Thesaurus, and a map."
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