Funny Told Jokes

My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.
Christmas is cancelled

I told Santa you have been good the whole year

He died of laughter
I told my dad that he should embrace his mistakes

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and my sister
My girlfriend told me to see things from a girl's point of view...

so I looked out the kitchen window
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

She seemed surprised
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo

I had to put my foot down
If at first you don't succeed...

try doing it the way your mom told you to in the beginning
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places

He told me to stop going to those places
I told my girlfriend to come with me to the gym

Then I stood her up

Hopefully, she’ll realize the two of us are not going to work out
My doctor told me to eat more greens

so i went on a dye it
And then I told them if you get a college degree it'll be easier to get a job
I've been told my jokes are corny
You ok? I should've told you i was stopping
My girlfriend told me she hoped I had something special planned for Valentine's Day

I said, "I'm working on it." and she smiled

Which was weird; I thought she'd be upset that I'm having to work on Valentine's Day
My friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw an apple at his face
My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone. When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me
What if i told you not every joke is worth laughing at
I told you i'll be ready in FIVE minutes, stop calling me every half hour
I told you I was sick
Mom told me not to touch it
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life...

he was right - I feel ten years older already
An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID.

"You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old."

The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license.

The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change.

"The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup.

"Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
Want to hear something terrible?


See? I told you it was tearable
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it
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